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Wednesday, February 17, 2016

"Do I Love Him Enough?"


When they say that motherhood keeps your hands full, they're certainly not lying. Unlike before, these days I hardly have time to do much.

I'm spending at least 50% less time on social media than before. Previously, I used to be able to juggle updating all my socials in a day. These days, it's either I spend more time on Dayre and neglect Snapchat, or the other way around, what more else updating my blog frequently like before! It sometimes frustrates me that I can't multitask or juggle as well as I used to, but then when I think about WHY I'm not able to anymore, I stop feeling lousy and tell myself to give me a pat on the shoulder, because helping this new little human grow is no easy feat which takes up A LOT OF TIME!

So these days, my 'alone time' is when I'm in the car. When Tyler is nicely strapped in his car seat and when I'm sitting beside him. Thankfully, he's been used to being in his car seat since his newborn days, so he wouldn't fuss whenever we put him into his car seat. He would just look out into the skies or night lights, stare blankly in the front or fall asleep within seconds. I can't express enough how grateful I am of it!

Aside from having some quality conversations with the husby who would be taking the wheel, catching up on my social channels, quickly updating my Dayre or editing photos for Instagram, I take time to look at my dear baby son who would be looking all blur or sound asleep. In one of our car rides few days ago, I caught myself staring at him much longer than I usually do. I rest my head on the edge of his car seat, heave a huge sigh (happy sigh) and stare at him in admiration. My heart was all warm and bubbling with love. So much love that I started to wonder,

"Do I Love Him Enough?"

"Do I?"

Since the very beginning, I vowed to myself to never take any moment for granted, to always cherish what I have in front of me, and to treasure every opportunity I have to shower all my love on him. I want to try my best everyday to be the best mother for him, and to give him my best attention, care and love. But still, sometimes I wonder,

"Is my best, really the BEST that I can do?"

"Can I still try harder? Can I still do better? Can I still love deeper?"

"Does he know that he is loved? As young as he is, can he feel it? Is he happy?"


You may call me silly or tell me I'm overthinking, but these are legit questions that run through my mind every now and then. I think that I'm giving my best, but I don't certainly KNOW if it IS the best yet. And I want to give my best. I'm starting to sound confusing huh. Haha.

You see, some of my friends never left their babies to be babysat by someone else until they're 2 years old, never sneaked out for a short date with the hubby or dinner with the girlfriends. But I have. 

And when they do, they would miss their babies terribly and ask for updates of their little ones from their caregivers every other minute. But I don't.

Some would cry when they leave their babies to run short errands or to work. But...I don't.

Perhaps it is because I know that he'll do fine. He's a really good boy, and a relatively easy baby to care for. Perhaps it is because I trust his caregivers (Boon, my mother...). Or perhaps, I don't love him as much as other mothers love their babies to feel the pinch of leaving him?

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE being with my baby and I do think about him whenever I'm away from him. But it is not to a point where all I think about is him, what he's doing, how he's doing, miss him to a point of heartache, or cry out of guilt. 

To be honest before becoming a mom, I really thought I'll be an overly emotionally attached mom. But now that I am one, I realised that I'm not, which took me by surprise too. I thought I'll be the overprotective crazy tiger mom who will death stare anyone who carries my baby, but...I'm not. Turns out I'm rather relaxed and chill, and I'm really just feeling peaceful and happy all the time! I'm just happy with how everything is- about being a mom, about being stay-at-home for now, about being able to breastfeed, about waking up in the wee hours to feed, about the lack of sleep even. I'm just happy through and through. Some of you might roll your eyes at me but I'm not trying to paint a perfect picture of motherhood to prove anything. I really am happy and contented and grateful. And that puts me at a very relaxed state I suppose.

I'm also happy that I have people I can fully trust to care for my baby while I take some time to care for myself- to go for a facial, mani pedi, massage, shopping, movies, dinner dates, etc. That's very precious to me. I'm a believer that happy mommies make happy babies. If I'm not healthy physically, emotionally and mentally, I won't be able to give my best to my child.

There were quite a number of people who came up to me to tell me that I looked nothing like I was in confinement, that I looked groomed and happy, which is unlike what most confinement moms look like. While I was glad to hear that I don't look monstrous, those statements make me wonder where this whole perception about depressing confinement and unhappy new moms come from. Must confinement and being a new mom be a dreadful experience? Why must it be? I chose not to make it dreary. I chose to groom up and do whatever I could to make myself happy. Because my happiness is important- it brings out the best I can be as a wife and a mother.

I had a happy confinement. And I am a happy new mom. It IS possible, isn't it?

-

"Not feeling guilty while being away from my baby doesn't make me a bad mom, does it?"

I don't know. Logically, I know it doesn't. But sometimes I still wonder if it is because I don't love him enough to feel the pinch, to feel the mom guilt.

I guess this is one of the questions that moms will ask themselves no matter what. And I guess it's good too...so that I can always make sure that I'm giving my best for him.



love, Careen.
This post is filed under PersonalMotherhood.

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