GA Script

Monday, May 5, 2014

That Trust

So it's been two weeks since the husby left for work in China. Those of you who follow my Instagram and Facebook would have known that he left two Sundays ago, and it was nothing short of an emotional day for me. As always.

I really thought that him leaving for work would subsequently become easier for me to get used to. This is the third long work trip (3-4 weeks average) that he embarked on ever since we got married. You can read about how I coped with his first two trips here and here. And here.

And guess what, surprise surprise! It's still a teary affair after I dropped him off at KL Sentral. I wanted to drop him off at the airport so that we could spend more time together before he left (every minute counts), but he insisted that I dropped him at KL Sentral instead cos he wanted to minimise the time that I'm driving alone as much as possible, learning from our previous experiences that I would cry my way driving back home. Sounds so dramatic right? It sure didn't seem dramatic when we were in that moment! Everything just seemed so real and sad and just, really sucky :(

This is our usual drift. 

After about 2-3 weeks of being around, he would come back home one day and break the news to me that he's being assigned to yet another work trip, feeling bummed that he would need to be away from me and everything else, again. Me being the supportive wife (or at least I always try to be) would be happy for him, encouraging him to go for it. I would always encourage him that with the money that we work hard for now, we could go for vacations and travel the world together, save up for our baby fund and rainy days. And that it is better to have jobs that require some sacrifices of travelling and being away, than being home with no work in hand. And that these work trips would enhance his resume and give him a great learning, working experience. These were all honest thoughts from my heart, and what I always tell myself when he's away.

The husby would be motivated and encouraged, and would thank me for being so supportive. I would, in turn, feel happy that I'm able to let go of my selfish wants (of wanting him to be around like most husbands do. actually that's not really selfish, is it? that's normal right hahaha) and my own emotions to support him in climbing the corporate ladder.

I would stop thinking about him leaving for as long as I can, carry on with my usual daily business and living life as usual. THEN, when it comes to just 2-3 days before his trip. When he starts getting his travel documents and essentials ready, when he starts to pack his stuff in his luggage, that's when it all kicks in, for the both of us. He would sometimes be even more emo than I am (hahaha I'm so dead when he sees this. He's in china which means he has no access to blogspot haha), and that is when I gotta be even stronger than I have to be, put on a smile and remind him of all the perks of him going for work, repeating all the aforementioned 'motivations'.

And then he just has to spoil it by saying, "Baby, I'm so glad that I have such a supportive wife. I know it's hard for you but you're just trying to stay strong for me. Thank you for being my wife".

That was it. I cannot. I started to hide my face in his chest and just sob away like a wounded baby. That was when I just let it go. LET IT GO. CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE. All those times of suppressing my emotions had come to an end. Just imagining him being away for another 3 weeks is just...horrible. I know 3 weeks isn't a lot, but it's about 1 month. And being away for 1 month means he's away for 1/12 of the year. Plus the previous trip of being away for another month, that would make him 2/12 = 1/6 absent. 1/6 of the time he isn't around. And that's, a lot.

It didn't help that the very week after he left was the busiest I had in a long, long time. I told Boon that I wasn't even granted some time to "mourn" hahahaha. 

Succumbed to all the influence and hoohaa around me about The Fault In Our Stars, and finally got one to see if I, too cry and feel all fluffy after reading it. Started only 2 weeks after I bought it. No time to even open the plastic wrapper 

Deadlines, Chiq Fliq deliveries and demands, emcee gig, events to attend, all in one week. That sounds like very little but trust me, the work load and time consumed for all of the above combined were just overwhelming. That happened for the first week. For the second week, I thought that I might get slightly freer but no, last minute work came pouring in, which kept me real busy too. Now it's down to the final week (no, 5 days!) before the husby is back for three weeks, and then off he goes for another month or so. Wanted to free up this week to prepare for his homecoming (i.e.: cleaning the house upside down hahaha), but work is slowly coming in too.

I guess it's a real good thing that work is coming in consistently especially these few weeks. Been on a roll and it's been real exhausting physically and mentally, but emotionally my heart is just blessed. Grateful for all the open doors and opportunities.

While I'm busy over here, the husby's busy over there too. Initially when I heard that he's going to CHINA, I kid around and gave him that hmmmmmm face. China? China girls are hot you know. Many guys go there and end up with a mistress/second wife/third wife. These girls are not the typical, fat and ugly call girls you find at some parts of Malaysia (not gonna mention names haha).  But he assured me that nothing would happen. Even if he didn't, deep in my heart I knew that he wouldn't anyway.

I know it's naive of me to blindly trust him just like that. True that he may tell me one thing but do another and I would never find out, but I just trust that he wouldn't. I guess cos he assures me so much of his love that I just can't find a reason not to trust him. I guess ultimately that's what trust is- to trust what we cannot see. And in a way, trust is blind. 

I'm glad we have that trust.

Okay it's late and I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. Hahah thanks for reading my pointless post.

Time to hide my face in The Fault In Our Stars. I arrived at Chapter 11 in just two days. Never read a book so quickly in my entire life. And I'm starting (okay I already did) fall for Augustus Waters. His wit and sarcasm is sexy.

Alright nighty night!

love, Careen


  1. my grandaunt also responded the same as you when i broke the news that Josh will be going to China for 2 years. boohoo....


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